I’ve been doing some soul-searching this week (as always) and I realized, this shoot almost didn’t happen:
I almost gave up on this outfit and I almost tried to reschedule this shoot. Because the night before I was panicking in my room trying to plan looks and I just wasn’t feeling the inspo and good god I didn’t savor the idea of driving to Greenville on my one day off.
But I did it because I had a nagging feeling that I just can’t give up on things last-minute like that, and I probably just had to trust that, yeah, things will probably work out in the end. And even if I don’t come up with brilliantly clever looks, at least I got to shoot something, and I at least gave it my best effort, and I got to meet new people in the process.
I showed up, and things went great, and it was a great time, and in all honesty, to date its one of my favorite looks I’ve ever put together, and it was one of my favorite shoots. And really, all just because I showed up and followed through with something that I had been wanting to do. Wild, right?
BUT IT GETS BETTER.
Ruminating on this little experience helped me realize something else.
I can be an incredibly flaky person.
I flake out on others, but worst of all, I flake out on myself. I make plans, and I set intentions, and I hype myself up about grandiose schemes, but when it comes to committing the act and showing up to the appointment or making the phone call, or even setting a goddamn time for something, I just can’t seem to commit to the commitment. I frequently cancel or reschedule, and I have almost no follow-through on plans that I make for myself. And I’ve also realized, that’s probably why I’m not growing as a person as much as I want.
Because maybe, honoring commitments isn’t just a matter of willpower, but it’s a matter of honesty and of value, and it’s a reflection of my character. Either I wasn’t honest about what I wanted to begin with, or I don’t value whatever it is- myself, whatever I’ll gain from the commitment/appointment, or the person I’m meeting- enough to just stick to my words and my plans.
For me, that’s a tough pill to swallow. I bail on myself on the daily. I do it with this blog. I do it with washing the dishes. I do it with my workouts. I do it with my job. I’m fluent in the lingo of cancelling plans and a master at bailing on my own personal goals and plans and dreams.
And I had to look at myself in the mirror and say OUT LOUD, “GODDAMMIT MYLEA HAVE A SENSE OF COMMITMENT AND HONOR AND JUST FOLLOW THROUGH WITH SOMETHING FOR ONCE.”
Heck, I don’t have to get it right, I don’t have to do it perfectly, and I don’t have to have the best time, but yes, I do have to give it my best shot and I gotta at least show up. Why? Because two months ago I said I would, or I said I would yesterday, or I promised myself this morning that I’d do it tonight. Because if I can’t commit to myself, can I really fully commit to anything?
And I’ve decided enough is enough.
If I make a plan, I’ll see it through. Because I want to be able to rely on myself, and I want others to as well.