clean slate

I haven’t posted in a good little while, and that’s because my life just about got turned upside down, shaken up, and dumped out on the floor at my feet. And it all happened very quickly, very abruptly, and in perhaps the messiest way possible. I had most of the dearest parts of my life torn from my grasp, torn up and thrown to the wind. And I gotta say, the little scraps that I was left holding weren’t much of anything, or anything I wanted,  and my life looked like a very bare, clean slate. And honestly, in retrospect, I had it coming for a very, very long time.

The past few weeks have been some of the most difficult I’ve ever had to face. And it’s forced me to pick a new life perspective, and restructure my priorities, and take a very deep look at some things in my life that I’ve ignored for far, far too long. I’ve had to acknowledge some very ugly truths, and realize some of the things I valued most weren’t what I actually wanted at all. I didn’t ask for this clean slate, mostly didn’t want it, really resented it (still do a bit), and really didn’t like what it forced me to look at in my life at all. But it’s made me really think through what I want in my life, and what my best life really looks like.

And I’ve realized that’s really what I want to live for- living my best life. I want to live a life that in its deepest essence, is me. I want to live very unapologetically as myself. I want to do what I love, and what I want, and not worry about the disapproval of others, or who’s looking, or what other people say I should be doing or should be interested in or should be pursuing.

So that’s my newest, greatest mission: discovering and living my best life.

And it’s made me rethink my priorities in a way I’d never thought of before. It’s made me narrow my focus, and decide what I want rather that what I should want or might want or could want, and gone is my tolerance for excuses. Because I’ve realized I’ve been cheating myself for a very long time, either because of fear or because of apathetic indifference, or because of just straight up indecision.

But this clean slate I’ve been so unexpectedly given is the fresh start I’ve been needing, and the major slap-in-the-face-get-a-grip-on-yourself life adjustment I’ve been deserving. It’s helped my piece together my new personal strategy, and dare I say, discover the angle that I need to take on everything I do.

Make a plan.

See it through.

Live your best life.

This is the tenacious, die-hard philosophy I’ve been living by for years, but didn’t realize it until now, and didn’t have the words to put to it until now.  This is the skeleton on my life. This is my personal blueprint to life that I’ve been so desperately searching for for years, and turns out, I’ve had it all along.

And really, all it is is deciding what I want, and fighting tooth and nail to get it.

To me, this explains why I’ve always felt like a hodge-podge character waltzing through life- because I’m always desperately searching for what I want, not for what I should want. And the kind of person that emerges from that kind of thinking rarely blends in with the pack, but has a distinctive lifestyle that fits that person. This can be demonstrated in a person’s sense of style- when they choose based on what they really want and who they really are, what emerges is a very distinctive, ever-evolving blend of bits and pieces that when viewed as a whole, describe that person exactly. You can’t auto-complete your closet, and you sure as hell can’t auto-complete your lifestyle based on your previous purchases. You just can’t. It’s called auto-pilot and that’s when people start wondering what’s the point of life. The point is to be you, and decide for yourself what you want.

I moved to Greenville because it made no sense but I knew it was what I wanted and what I needed.

I’ve stopped apologizing for my weird music choices.

Guys, I got a tattoo.

I got acrylic nails because yes I think they look cool, and I don’t really care that you might think I’m high maintenance.

I’ve changed my approach to photoshoots.

I’ve changed my approach to styling.

I’ve just changed my perspective on life.

Here’s to a new perspective, a new beginning of sorts, and lord knows what else.